The internet is full of advice about how to love an avoidant partner: Give them space. Welcome them back when they re-engage. Don’t pursue. How to decode their silence. How to tell if they really care. 

These posts are so popular because so many of us are living it — when wanting closeness on one side seems to trigger retreat on the other. We see it in our friendships, romantic relationships, and even at work.

As a psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and attachment theory, I’ve worked with countless clients stuck in the anxious-avoidant cycle. These patterns can be especially confusing because there is so much love underneath. They lead to circular arguments, disconnection, and hurt. There is always the intention to get along, yet the cycle keeps happening. 

“These patterns can be especially confusing because there is so much love underneath.”

Understanding why an anxious partner pursues closeness when an avoidant partner pulls away can be helpful. Curiosity can replace shame, allowing compassion to lead instead of blame. 

But understanding someone’s attachment pattern is not the same as taking responsibility for managing it. Understanding why someone cannot give you what you need doesn’t make you wrong for needing it. Not bringing up feelings to keep the peace, or constantly trying to restore connection are ways we abandon ourselves — which never leads to a healthy relationship. The anxious/avoidant cycle is an example of what happens when two attachment styles clash. 

What are attachment styles?

Our attachment styles — secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized — are responses we learn early, based on how consistently our caregivers responded to our needs. They shape how safe we feel with closeness, how we handle conflict, and how much we trust that people will stay. (If you’re not sure about your attachment style, take this quiz) What’s less talked about is what happens when those with anxious and avoidant attachment styles become close.

“Our attachment styles — secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized — are responses we learn early, based on how consistently our caregivers responded to our needs.”

Despite their differences, they somehow seem to find each other — powerfully drawn together in friendships, romance, and even at work. In the beginning, the relationship can feel effortless. The anxious partner can be drawn to the steadfast, calm independence of the avoidant, and to how they’re made to feel chosen and special. The avoidant partner may find the anxious partner’s warmth and natural ability for closeness grounding.

But when the magic dust wears off, and they have to navigate conflict, accountability, repair, or each other’s emotional needs, the connection can short-circuit and a painful pursuer-distancer pattern emerges.

It’s easy to blame the avoidant partner who withdraws — but both deserve empathy. The avoidant isn’t defective or cold for pulling away; withdrawal can be a protective response learned long ago. And the anxious partner’s pursuit doesn’t mean they’re clingy or too needy. It can be an understandable attempt to restore connection when it becomes uncertain. Both responses can be old survival strategies.

The anxious/avoidant dance

A close friend described her own experience as especially painful because the beginning was so promising — small disagreements were talked through, apologies were shared, and everything seemed healthy.

When they met, her partner showed up in ways her ex never had. They helped care for her dog, planned her business trips, and brought thoughtful gifts that made her feel considered and special. They texted throughout the day and were compatible in countless ways, with no shortage of belly laughs and long conversations about childhood and past relationships. A few months in, she mentioned taking a girls’ trip with old friends. Her partner seemed supportive. But soon after, she noticed a shift. 

The communication hadn’t totally shut down, but things were noticeably cooler. When she asked whether something was wrong, she was met with, “No, why would you think that?” Later, she was told that her questions felt critical and made her partner feel horrible about themselves. She became anxious and coped by trying to get clarity so she could fix it. 

“The more her partner pulled back, the more anxious she felt. The more she pursued — the more her partner turtled.”

The more her partner pulled back, the more anxious she felt. The more she pursued — the more her partner turtled. Eventually things stabilized, and they found their way back to their happy place — until it happened again. This became a months-long cycle of connection and disconnection that left both of them hopeless and exhausted, yet neither left. 

Usually secure in her friendships and romantic relationships, I watched my friend become anxious and fixated. Sometimes, loving someone with avoidant attachment strategies can make an otherwise secure person feel anxious. Our attachment patterns are relational and can change depending on who we are with. Someone who is generally secure can become anxious when met with inconsistency or emotional withdrawal. And someone who is normally comfortable with intimacy can become more avoidant if closeness starts to feel overwhelming.

I’ve worked with many couples caught in this cycle. These two styles can trigger each other’s deepest fears. When that happens, anxious partners can spend months chasing the ghost of early chemistry, which the avoidant partner may not have the capacity to sustain once triggered. 

Attachment theory can help us understand these dynamics, but the more important question is how these behaviors affect each partner. Sometimes, with mutual effort, the connection can shift. Other times, the pattern continues in a way that isn’t serving either partner.

“Sometimes, with mutual effort, the connection can shift. Other times, the pattern continues in a way that isn’t serving either partner.”

My friend eventually became exhausted. She realized the less they talked about what was happening, the more emotionally unsafe she felt, no matter how good the good moments were. She also noticed she was shrinking herself to keep the peace — not talking about feelings so her partner wouldn’t get triggered and they could hold on to some version of closeness. 

Her anxiety became information — that made her realize she couldn’t keep showing up this way. She chose her well-being first, and let go of the outcome. She hoped the relationship had enough love and history for them to change the pattern together. But if it didn’t, she realized she would be sad — but ultimately ok.

Anxious, avoidant, and secure communication in real time

Using my friend’s situation — here’s what the same moment can look like through three different responses:

Anxious Pursuit

Her: “Okay, something is clearly wrong. You’ve barely texted me back. Are you mad? Why won’t you just tell me?”
Partner: “Nothing is wrong. Why do you always think something is wrong? I’ve been busy.”
Her: “Because I’ve only heard from you once in the last day and normally we text more!”

The anxious partner is trying to get clarity and restore connection. But the pursuit can feel like pressure to the avoidant, leading to even more withdrawal.

Avoidant Response

Her: “Something seems off, can we talk about it?”
Partner: “I’ve just been busy. There is nothing to talk about, really. How are you?”
Her: “It doesn’t feel like it’s just busy. Our communication feels off.”
Partner: “This is what’s off. I said nothing is wrong. You’re overanalyzing.”

Here, the partner who is withdrawing minimizes the change in connection and makes the other person’s reaction the problem so the distance feels justified. 

Secure Dialogue

Her: “I’ve noticed us connecting less since I mentioned the trip. I’m not trying to corner you but I do want to talk about it when you are ready.”
Partner: “Thanks for bringing that up gently. To be honest, I think it might have stirred something up for me, but I need some time to figure out what. Can we chat about it tonight after I work out?”
Her: “Yes that works, I’m around.”

In this version, she says what she notices without pursuing. Her partner acknowledges the shift, asks for space, and gives a concrete time to reconnect.

What is happening inside?

When an avoidant partner experiences a quest for more connection as overwhelming, their nervous system may become activated and they may respond by shutting down or creating distance. Their partner can experience that withdrawal as frustrating, confusing and rejecting.  

Inside the Avoidant Partner

• Stress under a cool, calm exterior — increased heart rate
• Shame about not being able to give their partner what they need
• An impulse to create distance to regulate overwhelm
• A search for reasons to justify pulling away 
• Judges emotional needs — yours and their own — as weakness

Inside the Anxious Partner

• Confusion and feeling unwanted
• Fear of losing something important 
• Feeling powerless or unfairly treated
• An impulse to pursue — excessive texting, questioning or seeking proximity
• Rumination and escalating anxiety

What is fueling the dynamic? 

Parents often nurture in the ways they themselves were nurtured, and sometimes that shows up as highly practical caregiving with little emotional attunement. When emotional needs are met inconsistently — or not at all — we develop ways of protecting ourselves that can follow us into adult relationships. 

What Avoidant Partners May Have Learned

“When emotional needs are met inconsistently — or not at all — we develop ways of protecting ourselves that can follow us into adult relationships.”

If emotional needs were met with discomfort, dismissal or rejection, a child may learn that needing others was unsafe. 

They may conclude: It’s safer not to need anyone. I should handle things myself. 

What Anxious Partners May Have Learned

If caregiving was unpredictable or hot-and-cold, a child may learn that connection was fragile and easily lost. Pursuit, protest, or closely monitoring a caregiver’s mood may have become ways of trying to restore connection.

They may conclude: I have to stay on alert or I may lose you.

These strategies once helped protect us but are now getting in the way of healthy adult intimacy.

Does the avoidant even want the relationship?

Avoidant attachment doesn’t mean a person lacks the desire for connection. Someone can deeply want intimacy while at the same time feel threatened by it. The desire to be with you may have been real, and may even be what set off their alarm to create distance. 

“Someone can deeply want intimacy while at the same time feel threatened by it.”

Avoidant partners tend to suppress their needs. Under stress, those suppressed needs can resurface. But if the underlying fears remain unexamined, they’ll often choose the safety of distance over the vulnerability of intimacy.

Understanding your partner should make you have more compassion for them, but not less for yourself. Self-compassion will help you objectively rise above the love and ask yourself — if nothing changes, does this work for me?

Growth: the silver lining 

Pain can create an opportunity to grow. You have not failed because you are in this dynamic and you do not deserve to be hurt by it. But the pain is an arrow pointing inward, toward places that are coming up to be healed. Growth doesn’t have to mean a multi-year excavation of childhood — it’s a process, not an event. 

“The pain is an arrow pointing inward, toward places that are coming up to be healed.”

It can begin by noticing what happens inside when you are triggered and learning to communicate that experience before your protective strategy takes over.

For an anxious partner: “I’m feeling insecure right now and could use some reassurance.”

For an avoidant partner: “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need some downtime. I care about you, let’s talk about this tonight.”

It’s worth noting, however, that sometimes even small changes made by one partner that would start to shift this dynamic aren’t possible — because wanting change doesn’t always translate into having the capacity for it. You can have extraordinary chemistry with someone who has little capacity or interest in examining their behavior. 

“Wanting change doesn’t always translate into having the capacity for it.”

If a partner can’t sit with their own pain and get curious about where it comes from, they probably won’t be able to sit with yours either — or take accountability or repair a rupture. Validation, responsibility and repair are foundational to any healthy friendship or relationship. Without them, the connection naturally fades when hurts accumulate and neither person feels emotionally safe. 

Getting untangled 

My friend eventually decided to focus on what she could control — her well being and how she reacted to herself when her partner did something upsetting. The pattern wasn’t going to heal itself on autopilot. Change requires both people to put in effort so they could respond differently when the cycle erupted.

“Change requires both people to put in effort so they could respond differently when the cycle erupted.”

For Anxious Partners:

No amount of reassurance can resolve another person’s fear of what you represent — closeness they long for unconsciously but resist consciously. You shouldn’t have to carry the emotional load of the relationship alone. Your partner has to be willing to develop the self-awareness to communicate their needs, set boundaries, and stay connected through discomfort.

In the meantime, soothe yourself when they pull away. Take a hike, call a friend or use other ways of settling yourself before responding. You can believe that their withdrawal is a protective response rather than proof they don’t care and at the same time set your own boundaries.

“I care but I won’t chase you for connection. If you need space, tell me. I’m willing to reconnect when we can talk about what is happening.”

For Avoidants:

You are not a bad person for shutting down. You likely learned this response because creating distance once helped you manage experiences that felt overwhelming. But, as an adult, the same strategy may now keep you from the closeness you want. You don’t have to revisit every childhood memory to begin changing it. Start by asking for space instead of disappearing. Tell your partner when you’ll reconnect. Say, “I’m feeling overloaded,” instead of becoming quieter. 

For Your Relationship:

If nothing changes, you will both probably eventually get burned out by the cycle. Because these patterns can cause significant hurt on both sides, couples therapy can sometimes help partners recognize the cycle and practice different ways of communicating in real time. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the Gottman Method, and Schema Therapy are approaches that may be useful when working with attachment-related patterns.

Understanding doesn’t equal obligation

Understanding why someone pulls away, or why someone else reaches harder, doesn’t make you responsible for their nervous system.

You are one half of any relationship. The rest is about setting boundaries, sharing what you need, and noticing if the relationship settles into something that feels good enough. If you feel unsettled more often than not, you may not be asking for too much, but you may be asking for something this relationship isn’t able to provide.

“You may not be asking for too much, but you may be asking for something this relationship isn’t able to provide.”

In every relationship, platonic or romantic, finding a level of closeness that works for both people is important. For many relationships, great chemistry leads to deeper closeness. If that doesn’t happen, it doesn’t mean that anyone is at fault. It could mean that the way one person wants to connect isn’t sustainable for the other.

And at some point, you may have to ask yourself: Can I  love this person without abandoning myself?

Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT is a Manhattan-based licensed integrative holistic psychotherapist. She specializes in relationship issues, depression, anxiety, grief, and spiritual growth. You can find her on Instagram or learn more on her website.