It is not news that many of us are addicted to our phones and nor is it a revelation that inconsiderate public behaviour now appears to be the norm, but when the two collide it can cause anger. Last week, at the end of a performance of the drama Inter Alia in London’s West End, the actor Rosamund Pike took to the stage after the curtain call to announce that she had seen someone texting during the performance. “I just wanted to say for anyone going to the theatre, it’s a huge thing that we’re trying to give you. I am trying to tell you a story, and I’m feeling you, and I hope you’re feeling me too … Maybe it was very important, and maybe you’re a doctor, and you’re saving someone’s life, and I hope you are, but we do see these, we do feel them.”

What is the correct etiquette when using your phone? Myka Meier, author of Modern Etiquette Made Easy, says: “It is always thinking about other people before yourself when you’re on the phone.” This also means being aware of how disabled people might use, and rely on, their phones. As an academic with hearing loss pointed out to the BBC after Pike’s comments, bans on phones in theatres, or public shaming, could exclude disabled people in audiences, such as those who use hearing aid apps and need to adjust the settings.

What is clear is that many of us may need a quick refresher on modern phone etiquette, from the obvious (Should anyone be texting in the theatre? No) to the vague (Are full stops in messages aggressive? It depends how old you are). We spoke to the experts.

When should you switch off your phone?

“Phones should be there to complement our lives,” says William Hanson, an expert on etiquette and the author of Just Good Manners. “I think anywhere we are forgetting the human beings around us, the phone should be switched off.” In the theatre or cinema, even if you think you’re being discreet, checking your messages on your bright phone is ruining someone else’s escapism. Hanson, who is moving into acting, is about to do a six-week run in London in the musical Titanique. “My character has an ad-lib section, and I have chosen to talk about audience behaviour, and I will be talking about phones.”

Is it ever OK to have your phone on the table in a restaurant?

Hanson says not only should you keep your phone off the table and out of sight, but you should switch it off, so it is not a distraction. “We have this Pavlovian response that, when the phone buzzes or lights up, we have to deal with it and it’s urgent, and 95% of the time it’s not. We all go on ego trips, where we think that whatever we are doing is the most important thing.” Unless you are an on-call transplant surgeon or similar, the notification can almost certainly wait.

What if you are waiting for an urgent call?

If you are expecting an important phone call, tell the person you are with at the beginning, says Meier. “Say: ‘Please excuse me. If it happens to come through during this lunch, I’ll just be a moment.’ But never take the call at the table. Take it outside, away from the communal area.”

Is a call on loudspeaker ever acceptable in a public place?

I love listening to other people’s conversations, but it turns out that many people don’t share my view. “It is that brazen idea that whatever you are doing is more important [than what others are doing],” says Hanson. It is even worse, says Meier, when other people can’t get away, because they’re next to you on the train, for instance. “It’s not only a communal space, but now the person next to you is forced to listen to you,” she says. She says it is easy to forget: “People around us are not there to hear our conversation, they are there to enjoy other people, or the meal they’re having.”

What about ringtones and keypad bleeps?

Unless you rely on your phone’s sounds, perhaps because of vision or hearing loss, all the noises should be switched off in public, says Mariah Humbert, an expert on etiquette and the author of What Do I Do? “Our phones have evolved now, where the vibrate options are very user-friendly,” she says. Any time you are in a public space, she says: “Either have your headphones on or turn the ringer off.”

When should you wear headphones?

“Headphones are an absolute must any time you want to listen to something on your phone,” says Humbert. But whenever you are interacting with someone, you should take them out, “even if it’s a two-second interaction – as you pay for your coffee in a shop, or the train conductor comes to punch your ticket. That gesture of taking the headphones out and acknowledging the person in front of you is one of those micro-moments where you can show that person the respect they deserve.”

Is it acceptable to send voice notes?

Notwithstanding accessibility needs, the use of voice notes largely depends on the relationship, say all the experts. I would add that it also depends on their content. Amusing and short recordings are acceptable; long and rambling ones, used because the sender couldn’t be bothered to type the message, are not. Meier says you should tell someone if you don’t want to receive voice notes. “Some people feel they are rude because they’re forcing you to listen to somebody babble on for ages. I don’t mind them if they are from somebody I am close to.” Much of the time, Humbert says, she will read the transcription of the note, rather than listen to it. She says the point of texting is that it is convenient for the recipient to check quickly. If you are sending a voice recording because it’s important to convey a certain tone or emotion, adds Humbert, it’s still wise to keep it relatively short, “not a five-minute-long note”.

Hanson says he often sends a quick text below a voice note to let the recipient know what it’s about, and its relative importance. “‘Regarding tomorrow’s meeting’ or ‘dinner tonight’ or something, so when they look at it, they know, OK, that’s not pressingly urgent.” He is a fan of voice notes for keeping in touch with friends it is hard to catch up with, perhaps because they are in a different time zone. He says: “I’ve got a friend who lives in San Francisco. Pressing play on the voice note as I’m pottering around is nice. But that’s a very close friendship.” Bombarding people with inane recordings is different, he says. For example: “When they’re walking down the street and they start providing a commentary: ‘Oh, there’s a man on a bike going past.’ I don’t care. I wouldn’t care if I were standing next to you, and I definitely don’t care if we’re in different postcodes.”

What hours are acceptable to text someone in?

Again, it depends on the relationship. “My husband, I’m just going to text him,” says Hanson. But for many people: “I think the onus is on the sender to respect the recipient’s time. You can schedule texts. It might be midnight your time, but you can schedule it to go the next morning.” For work-related messages, Hanson thinks between 8am and 7pm is acceptable. Meier adds that you should resist the temptation to text anything business-related after usual office hours. “People feel that text messages seem more casual,” she says, but to a recipient, they can feel more urgent and put pressure on them to reply. After hours, she says: “I would send an email and let the person get back to you as and when they need.”

Should you reply to texts straight away?

Meier says that, despite the immediacy of texts: “I think it’s fair to give somebody the grace period of a business day, socially or professionally.” If you can tell the other person needs a quick response but you can’t give it, it’s considerate to let them know, says Humbert. “Send a simple text that says: ‘I’ll get back to you as soon as I can’, just to let them know that you’ve read the message and you’re acknowledging it.”

Should you call someone from gen Z without prior warning?

If you’re older, it’s tempting to feel dismissive of the trend among gen Z (those born between the mid-90s and early 2010s) towards phone call phobia, but that is to miss the changing meaning of phone calls. They are now considered much more invasive, says Dr Zoetanya Sujon, programme director for communications and media at the London College of Communication. Young people, says Sujon, use phones in a different way from older people. Millennials and older people would have grown up with only a household landline, and a familiarity with phone boxes, and the oldest among us wouldn’t have even had this. “Younger people grow up with constant communication. They might get a mobile phone at 10, maybe younger, so they’re accustomed to always being in touch, always being able to communicate, and phones come to have a different meaning for them.” Calls are not their primary means of communication, or they are used to ringing only people close to them, rather than strangers or in a professional situation “so the contexts are very different”.

To a phone-phobic younger generation, a phone call is akin to turning up at someone’s house unannounced. “I would send a text and say: ‘Hey, I was thinking of calling in five minutes,’” says Meier. “It’s adjusting to the method of communication that makes somebody feel comfortable. If you know that about somebody, or if you don’t, sending that buffer text is a safe bet.”

If the phone call is on a specific subject, where you need someone’s full attention, Humbert recommends scheduling it in advance, though bear in mind it’s important how you word it. “‘Would love to touch base this afternoon, are you free after 3pm?’ is better than: ‘I need to talk to you about something.’ That would probably make people say: ‘Just call me right now. I need to know what you want to say.’ But I think if you’re calling someone to say hello, to check in on them, they will answer if they’re able to. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with calling out of the blue in that context.”

If they do answer – not a given – be prepared to instantly reassure them that you’re not about to deliver bad news. “I quickly make it clear I’m just phoning for a chat,” says Hanson.

Should you use full stops? Or send brain rot?

I have been told by younger people that my full stops in messages and thumbs up emojis are abrupt and rude. I already know the crying-laughing face is “cringe”, but I consider good punctuation thoughtful and polite, and how can a thumbs up be anything but friendly positivity? Beware the generational differences, says Humbert (who is gen Z). “It’s with punctuation, abbreviations, emoji use. Tone and intention can be misconstrued in texting, so if it’s something important where you really want your tone to come across properly, it might be better as a phone call. But it’s definitely a generational thing to see a message as having a lack of emotion, or being rude, but I don’t think that’s how the older generation means for it to come across.”

It is about having more understanding, as recipient and sender. If you are at the older end of gen Z and above, try not to judge, for instance, the brain rot and “AI slop” that pings between younger people. “I think those are huge levers for moral panic,” says Sujon, with the suggestion that young people are becoming more stupid. “Brain rot is a low-demand way of exchanging humour, in-jokes and language within youth culture. I’m not saying we shouldn’t take it seriously, because I think we should, but they are also playing. They’re just wanting to have fun, and brain rot is the kind of material that’s available to them, and which older people don’t get.” Don’t even try to use it if you’re older. It serves, says Sujon, as “an important purpose in protecting youth culture from older outsiders”.