Behold, a pirate!

–Diogenes

Why have I renamed my newsletter to pirate ontology? It’s as much about the vibe as it is any philosophical inquiry into the nature of being and reality.

But things ontological have been on my mind since I started writing the Tundraverse books. (Lest I bury the lede again, the second, Beta Max, is coming November 3rd, and I’m in the middle of the first draft of the third book, Omega Max, now.) In particular, the concept of infinity has been breaking my primate brain. Death too, but I’ve always been worried about death.

Now the specter of an unlimited universe, or multiverse, haunts me. I’m pretty sure that Diogenes would think that’s greatly amusing. No doubt he would find a particularly gross and/or clever way to mock me for worrying about something that is so completely beyond my capabilities to influence.

So, what would Diogenes do? (WWDD)

Diogenes was a cynic, but really, I think of him more as a proto-absurdist. When Plato defined man as a “an animal, biped and featherless” and was applauded for this somewhat reductive reasoning, Diogones was ticked. So, he plucked the feathers off of a rooster and brought it into the lecture-room, holding it by the neck. He announced: “Behold, here is Plato’s man.” (1)

This story is most likely apocryphal, as is the one in which Alexander the Great admired Diogenes, so he went to visit the philosopher. Oh, yeah, and Diogenes lived in ceramic wine jar in the marketplace of Athens, where he enjoyed masturbating in public.

Anyway, Alexander asked Diogenes if he could grant him any favor. To this, our pirate hobo genius replied: “Get out of my light.”

And instead of having him beheaded, Alexander was impressed by this and said: “If I were not Alexander, I would want to be Diogenes.”

Having none of it, Diogenes replied: “If I were your husband, I would drink the poison.” (2)

Cynicism then and now

Diogenes could really commit to the bit. Like his teacher, he considered himself a cynic. The philosophy has a bad reputation these days. Modern cynics verge on nihilism – they mock the very notion of sincerity of any kind, particularly when it comes to helping others and being good.

His teacher was Antisthenes, who had been a student of Socrates, thus making Diogenes a philosophical cousin of the chicken-obsessed Plato. Antisthenes believed that the most important aspect of humanity was that we were a part of nature; therefore he was suspicious of social conventions. Society’s needs were artificial and an impediment to leaving a virtuous life, ascetic and self-disciplined. He passed this on to Diogenes, who lived an incredibly ascetic life, and who didn’t like the idea of people taking social conventions for granted. (3)

So, did Diogenes take it too far? Absolutely. I don’t think it’s cool to piss on people as they’re trying to go about their day. And we know, now, that humans evolved in such a way that we are hard-wired to care about what others think of us. Society is natural. But ultimately, Diogenes was an ascetic with a pirate aesthetic!

What does this have to do with infinity?

The best part of infinity is that somehow all stories are true. They did happen, or will, somewhere, in some version of reality. The worst part is that they’re not true in most realities. Or they make even less sense than Diogenes parroting a mythical Churchill quote, out of time, and definitely not paying the royalties on said quotation.

Is this just nonsense?

Not really. Like much of my writing, it’s baloney, but with a point. I want us to laugh. I want us to see how absurd some of these things are, yet I yearn for meaning, just like anyone. Let’s laugh at the absurd, yes, but not fall into nihilism. (Which is exhausting, as the Dude observes so pointedly in The Big Lewbowski.)

Instead, let’s sift the possibilities. Take them in and find the booty where we can. So that’s the new mission, a desultory and (I hope) entertaining sail through the Seven Seas of Absurdity. And I will occasionally burden you with some commerce, which Diogenes would definitely mock.

Behold, the call to action!

1) More on his sayings here: https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.01.0258%3Abook%3D6%3Achapter%3D2

2)This famous Churchill story is also not true. “If I were married to you, I’d put poison in your coffee,” Lady Astor once famously remarked to Winston Churchill. “If I were married to you,” he replied, “I’d drink it.” https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/illustrious-history-misquoting-winston-churchill-180953634/

3) Obviously, I’m only scratching the surface of what cynicism was. I enjoyed this piece about it: https://www.philosophyprofessor.com/philosophies/cynicism/