“The idea of having to hit the reset button over and over again made me feel like a failure,” Reyes Cocka says. Two years later, he’s worked through that feeling and now has a much more positive outlook on his finances.

As Canadians cope with the cost of living, many are struggling with negative emotions around money, leaving them feeling hopeless. A recent United Way Canada report shows that around nine in 10 Canadians experience at least mild financial anxiety, with 40 per cent reporting that thinking about personal finances makes them feel guilty.

That’s why Canadian author and financial educator Kelley Keehn has made it her mission to help people break free from financial shame and guilt, so they can move from a mindset of surviving to thriving. Keehn says the reason Canadians struggle with money has little to do with math.

In her book “Save Yourself: A New Approach to Thinking about Money and Taking Control of Your Financial Future,” Keehn digs into the psychology of money and how neuroscience shapes our beliefs about finances. Her HEROS framework stands for heritage and history; emotions and neuroscience; rewrite the narrative; opportunities and strategies; and self-empowerment and legacy.

In an interview with the Star, Keehn shares her tips on rewriting inherited beliefs about money that don’t serve you as an adult, reframing negative thoughts, and the importance of celebrating your wins.

When working to improve your views about money, start by taking a close look at how your upbringing shaped your beliefs.

“We are learning that your financial DNA is inherited,” Keehn says. As a child, you absorb beliefs from your parents, teachers and culture. “If there’s money stress, you can’t delineate between that being true or not,” she says. Messages like “all wealthy people are bad or unhappy because of their money” remain deep in our subconscious.

Awareness is the first step in understanding inherited beliefs, Keehn says, and part of becoming better with money involves thinking about what your loved ones and your environment taught you. When you think about your earliest money memories, they probably aren’t specifically about finances; they’re likely more about safety, belonging, lack of freedom or feeling stuck, she adds.

Reyes Cocka filed for bankruptcy in his 20s after his spending got out of control and he racked up credit card debt. “I had a scarcity mentality growing up because we weren’t exactly the best off,” he explains. “As a child, I wasn’t super aware of it, but looking back, I realize my parents were struggling financially.”

Keehn, who was raised by a single mom, says her family didn’t discuss money in a positive way when she was growing up. Her grandma had 14 kids, no running water and no electricity. “I inherited a lineage of poverty,” Keehn says. “That is within my DNA. I have to override that.”

Keehn says that inherited beliefs about money can be overcome. “Epigenetics tells us that our environment can change the genes that we’re born with. And I believe it’s the same with finances.” If you have a negative belief about money, ask yourself: is this true?

In Keehn’s case, her mom, who worked as a waitress, instilled in her that using credit cards was bad. “That was really good advice for her, as there was no way for her to pay it off,” Keehn says. But now that Keehn runs her own business, credit card use often makes sense, especially since she understands the importance of paying off her balance before being charged interest.

Understanding how your brain is wired for safety and survival, and how emotional triggers influence spending and saving habits, can also shed light on your approach to money.

“When we’re stressed, especially financially, our aperture narrows,” Keehn says. “I’ve had so many people reach out over the years with stories where they had to file for bankruptcy and they couldn’t see the possibility of, ‘If I could get out of this situation, what would it look like? How could I fix this sooner?’ ”

We’re also very affected by our peer group, Keehn says. If you’re around someone with constant financial stress, it has an effect on you by dimming possibility.

“You definitely want to get around some people who are doing well,” Keehn says. If you can’t do that physically, she suggests watching YouTube videos, listening to podcasts, taking a course or joining an online community where you can talk about money in a positive way.

The next step is to consciously change the “stories” you tell yourself about your worth, your ability to handle money and your financial potential.

If, for example, you constantly tell yourself that there’s never enough money at the end of the month no matter what you do, you’re reinforcing that narrative. When you catch a negative thought, ask yourself if it’s based in fear or fact. “A fixed mindset says, ‘I’m not good with money.’ A growth mindset says, ‘I haven’t been good with money. How do I get good with money?’ Start getting curious,” Keehn says.

A few years ago, Keehn also started practicing more gratitude around money. Now, when she taps her credit card to pay for a purchase, she takes a second to say thank you. “It sounds odd, but it’s because we don’t even have a connection to spending,” she says. “We’re not present with our money. I think we need to take more time to appreciate the money that’s flowing in our life.”

It takes time and consistency to rewire your brain. If “I’m terrible with money” has been your narrative for a long time, you really have to practice awareness, Keehn says. “Whenever we’re changing any kind of habit, it takes a lot of effort until it becomes a new, seamless habit.”

Reyes Cocka agrees that awareness is key when healing from financial shame. “Avoiding your financial struggles only makes them compound and become worse down the road,” he says. “Facing your problems head-on — taking a deep breath and making a realistic plan with an expert that understands the industry — will ultimately help you feel so much stronger.”

After going through a divorce and dealing with debt incurred during the marriage, Reyes Cocka worked with a bankruptcy trustee and a financial planner, and filed for a consumer proposal. “I had to accept the fact that sometimes, life is going to throw you curveballs and you have to take the steps necessary in order to properly heal,” he says.

Practising self-compassion is also important. If you have a setback, Keehn suggests telling yourself “this is a low moment, not a low worth.”

Early in her writing career, Keehn interviewed a billionaire who talked about legacy. “My history was about survival, not legacy,” she says. “And I thought, ‘What if I could actually start a foundation one day?’” That led to Keehn setting up a community fund in her mom’s name that aims to help seniors in long-term care use technology to connect with family. 

Keehn also keeps a vision board in her office. “The more I see what I want, it makes it more real,” she says.

It’s important to celebrate your wins, too, Keehn says, however small. If you waited 24 hours and decided not to buy something, or if you invested $25, take a moment to appreciate your choices.

Reyes Cocka says he had to forgive himself for not knowing what only time and experience could have taught him. Today, he says the most important thing for him is to focus on joy and what he can control.

“You have to really centre yourself to find a healthy balance for your mental health and realize that good things come and go,” he says, adding that he has to remind himself that change takes time. “It’s about creating realistic goals, having a realistic timeline, and being kind and patient with myself.”