I don’t know how else to tell you this so I’m just going to come out and say it: the todgers in Conan Exiles have been updated, and they’re bigger than they’ve ever been. There, you’re welcome; games journalism at its finest.

The penis rejiggle comes as Conan Exiles Enhanced arrives – an overhaul that yanks the game forward onto Unreal Engine 5 (it having previously run on Unreal Engine 4). In doing so, all areas of the game have been significantly visually improved, across environments, lighting and characters.

The characters haven’t fundamentally changed – this isn’t a top-to-wobbly-bottom remake – so the underlying construction of the characters is the same, though there are maybe a few more customisation options on offer; I’m not entirely sure. What I am sure of is that characters are much sweatier and oilier than before, as I suppose better befits a person stranded in a desert. Musculature is better defined and the curvier, fleshier parts of bodies are more believable and wobble as a successful panna cotta should.

But there has been a slight change to body part sizes, which I assume is intentional because a just-released infographic for the game brags about an “enhanced endowment slider”. Before, when you slid this to its maximum, the character’s todger grew to resemble a large, thick, slimy leech; whereas now, it grows to resemble a small sourdough bloomer from Tesco. Similarly, breasts can grow to absurd proportions. I can’t believe I’m writing this.

Why are todger sizes important? A profound question, reader. But in Conan Exiles they’re notable because customisable genital sizes were a naughty talking point when the game launched in 2018. A clever piece of marketing, you might say; one assumes Funcom’s “enhanced endowment slider” is attempting the same eight years later.

That’s not all: the move to Unreal Engine 5 brings better performance in Conan Exiles across a range of PCs and settings; introduces a new user interface; focuses on improving Steam Deck performance; and connects the in-game worlds of The Exiled Lands and the separate paid land of The Isle of Siptah, which you can travel freely between. The Enhanced Edition upgrade is free, by the way.

Conan Exiles, a survival crafting game, saved Funcom somewhat when it came out in 2018. The studio needed a hit after its expensive MMO The Secret World had flopped, so it put together a Conan survival game which caught public attention and, to date, has had more than 15m players. Its success propelled the Norwegian company forward into making Dune Awakening, another desert-based survival game, which started as an MMO but seems to be relaxing into a more free-form online survival game in order to keep its playerbase healthy.