There are seasons in life that seem to last forever. Then there are mornings when you wake up and realize an entire decade has passed. 

You’re older, you’re different, and your former selves feel like distant memories. When you roll over and see the person lying next to you, you realize that they, too, have changed. It’s not necessarily a bad thing—this unfamiliar face in your bed—it’s just that they no longer resemble the person you fell in love with years or even decades ago.

My husband and I met almost two decades ago on a frigid January day, when the Colorado sky looked so clear you could almost drink it. Our meet-cute blossomed into a fleeting summer romance, and by fall, when I moved away for college, we tempted fate and tried our luck long-distance. And it worked. Two years later, we were married under that same Colorado sky, this time peppered with thunderclouds.

As we grew individually, we moved in different directions. In those first few years of marriage, there were many seasons when my husband and I didn’t understand or recognize one another. It was challenging to stay steady during those questioning moments, and I often wondered: How will we ever find our way back to each other?  

But people change; we’re not meant to remain static. Life experiences and challenges shape us, molding us into many versions of ourselves. Like clay, we remain pliable and morph into surprising shapes, even when we convince ourselves we’ve been cast in our final form. And this is also true of our partners. Staying together wasn’t always easy, but in moments of immense change we discovered this truth: Growth—both as individuals and as a couple—doesn’t come without its reward. It isn’t easy, but it can be beautiful and so worth it.

Of course, not all relationships last forever, and each person and couple knows what’s best for their journey. For my husband and me, we knew our path forward would include the other person by our side, even in moments when we didn’t recognize each other. We only needed to learn to grow together, even as we grew apart from who we used to be. In doing this, we were always able to come back to each other as new, evolved versions of ourselves. Here are just a few of the things I’ve learned along the way.

How to navigate growth with your partner

1. Be honest with yourself and your partner.

Early on in my marriage, when I first began questioning some of the religious beliefs that I grew up with, I told my husband. It wasn’t one big conversation but rather hundreds of small chats over many months. It was scary at first—and we weren’t always on the same page—but it was also comforting to have someone witness the change that was happening inside me. By talking about my journey, my husband and I felt closer. 

2. Continue to take an interest in one another. 

My husband is still the same adventurous and goofy person he was the day we met. But in the last decade, he’s also taken up new hobbies, changed political parties, and discovered he loves the mountains more than the ocean. Some things stay the same, and some change—in ourselves, in our relationships, and in our partners. But we can keep taking an interest in one another, ask about these changes, and notice growth.

“Remember how it was when you first fell in love.”

That said, date your partner! Remember how it was when you first fell in love. Send flirty texts, dress up, try new restaurants and take trips to familiar cities and places you’ve never been. Keep asking the deep questions, and the lighthearted ones, too. 

3. Give yourself space to grow together, and also separately.

As you grow alongside your partner, take time to nourish your growth outside the relationship, too. Our relationships complement us, but they don’t complete us; we must nurture ourselves before we can adequately care for our partners. Here are a few tips for cultivating independence in a long-term relationship.

Likewise, in seasons of growth, prioritize solo time. Instead of viewing it as “time apart,” treat it as breathing room, space to process change and return to your relationship with clarity. Sometimes this looks like an afternoon or weekend away; other times, it can mean time apart. Space will be unique to each relationship, but it can ultimately help in seasons where you may be overwhelmed by your or your partner’s evolution.

4. Rely on your community and relationship resources.

Sometimes, growing together is hard, like really hard. In these moments, your outside community and even relationship resources can feel necessary for survival. No couple is an island, and sometimes you’ll feel stuck or like your partner is growing in ways that don’t make sense to you. Alternatively, you may find yourself changing in ways that feel impossible to articulate.

Growth often brings many emotions, and it can help to lean on our communities for support. Other couples’ friends can be a wonderful gift in trying seasons, and therapists can help you navigate hard conversations if that’s an option for you.

5. Celebrate (and grieve the loss of) who you once were—together and as a couple.

Finally, grief comes with realizing you and your partner are no longer the people you once were. But there is also freedom in admitting that truth.

It’s okay to take time to process the change, but rather than trying to return to the past, focus on how far you’ve come. Celebrate who you both once were—as individuals and as a couple—and grieve for what is no longer, if you must. Thank your former self and your former partner for bringing you to where you both are today.