dailynewsnblog
A few days ago, I watched a butterfly emerge from its chrysalis. I stood there in awe, holding my youngest daughter’s hand as we watched our caterpillar-to-butterfly summer project reach its finale.
Its wings curled as it pushed its way out of the hard shell that transformed it from one form to another. Its legs wobbled as it found a place to rest. Slowly, the wings uncurled and began to open and close. From the outside, the wings looked gray and colorless, but inside, there was the bright orange-and-black pattern of the Monarch.
My daughter saw a butterfly emerge. I saw myself.
“My daughter saw a butterfly emerge. I saw myself.”
There is no way to prepare for how we grow and change when we become mothers. We feel it in our bones and physical form, yet it’s our spirit that fully transforms. There’s often a yearning to “get back” to who we used to be. But the reality is, we are born anew when the baby is born, and it’s a journey to find out who we are again after.
We live in a society that hasn’t quite figured out how to support new mothers or mothers in general, for that matter. When we see a mother with her new baby, we don’t see the butterfly that’s emerged from the chrysalis, waiting for their wings to uncurl. We just see a mother with her baby. This mother with her baby has gone through such a massive change, yet she’s meant to be in society acting as though she hadn’t.
I’ve described childbirth as the greatest shamanic experience anyone could ever have. Only there are no psychedelics, yoga retreats, or breathwork classes that could take you on the journey — just you and your child.
I have tears in my eyes thinking about how I felt after I had my first baby. I resisted the overwhelming sense that I was no longer who I once was. I fought to be me, but with a baby. This led to overextending myself too early on in postpartum, not allowing for enough rest, trying to keep up with my friends who didn’t have children, and eventually this led to depression. Therapy, my husband, and best friends got me through that first year as a new mom. Then three years later, when I had my second, I decided to do it all completely differently.
“I have tears in my eyes thinking about how I felt after I had my first baby. I resisted the overwhelming sense that I was no longer who I once was.”
I planned for the postpartum period through the lens of “The First 40 Days.” I hired a postpartum doula; I had a Mother’s Blessing instead of a baby shower; I had a giant group text with all my best friends and community to help hold me after my baby was born. I enlisted the support of those around me so that I wouldn’t feel alone, but also so that I could be ushered into this second metamorphosis as a mother, giving myself permission to change.
Today, I’m a year and a half postpartum with my second, and my first will be turning five in the fall. I will tell you, I’m still airing out my wings, waiting for them to be ready to fly. I still have my moments of fighting the urge to rush the delicate process of transformation, to try to move in ways my soul isn’t ready for yet. But life as a mother continues to show me that growth takes time.
For those in early motherhood, below are the stages I’ve used as anchor points for helping me to find my identity and grow into myself as a mother.
Meet yourself where you are
This is the first stage of learning our new identity: accepting where we are without judgment, comparison, or pressure.
This is no easy battle. Society tells us to be every single thing and do everything perfectly. To be the best mother, the best entrepreneur, the best friend, the best community creator — all while tiny humans need all of your attention 24/7.
“This is the first stage of learning our new identity: accepting where we are without judgment, comparison, or pressure.”
When we start to believe we aren’t enough as mothers and we create stories about what we should be doing or what we’re lacking compared to those around us, that’s when we lose the battle.
My current mantra is “be with what is.” I have it written on a piece of paper and taped to my mirror. It’s been a helpful anchor in finding that sense of acceptance of meeting myself where I am right now.
Develop the “best friend voice”
Now, the second stage in finding your identity as a mother is developing a strong relationship with yourself through positive self-talk. I call it the “best friend voice.” It’s the voice I want to be the loudest in my daughter’s head. It’s the voice that gives you unconditional love, even amid the noise of it all.
“It’s the voice that gives you unconditional love, even amid the noise of it all.”
The voice that encourages rather than puts down. The voice that says “you’re beautiful” instead of all the other hurtful things we come up with to say about ourselves. It’s the voice that held your hand through pregnancy and labor and told you, “You’re a badass, and you can do this.”
Developing a relationship with this voice might be the most important component in finding your identity as a mother. It starts with a dedicated practice of positive self-talk when the negative self-talk wants to take the wheel. What this has looked like for me is catching a negative thought as soon as it enters my mind and reframing it as a positive one. Essentially, not giving that negative thought water to grow.
Notice what fills your cup
The third stage is about holding onto the passions, hobbies, and joys that make your soul sing. These too will change after becoming mothers. Our priorities and how little time we have shift what we put our energy into. Nonetheless, we must fill our cups.
I heard a mother recently share that for a mom to truly be happy, our cups must be overflowing, so that we always have reserves left. This visual struck me and had me asking myself, “How often is my cup overflowing?” It also had me humbly examining what truly fills my cup. I made a list of all the things in my life that truly light me up. Then I made a list of what doesn’t.
“I made a list of all the things in my life that truly light me up. Then I made a list of what doesn’t.”
These lists gave me an accessible snapshot of how I can turn more fully to the things that fill me up versus what drains me. Things like: Spending time with close friends (without kids), planning and creating community events, being in a close relationship with spiritual practices, going on fun adventures with my kids, and traveling with my family.
I’m looking at this list as one that’s ever evolving and needs constant re-examination. I had a week recently when, by the end, I felt so full! I took stock of all the things that filled my cup that week and will now aim to prioritize those things on an ongoing basis (as life allows). Remember to find flexibility in this; some weeks you will feel completely exhausted and not at all full. This goes back to meeting yourself where you are.
The last stage in finding your identity as a mother is finding a community that anchors you into yourself.
It’s important to lower your expectations of what this looks like. I always hear moms talking about their disappointment in not experiencing the village they dreamed of while raising children — it’s not easy to find. I want to acknowledge that to truly create a village that you feel supported in takes a lot of work that we don’t all have the time or energy for. Even so, it’s so important.
“I want to acknowledge that to truly create a village that you feel supported in takes a lot of work that we don’t all have the time or energy for.”
I’ve been slowly building my community for almost 5 years and can say I feel an immense sense of support and gratitude for the mamas around me. But it’s taken a lot of dedicated work and a prioritization of closeness with other moms. For the first couple of years of motherhood and still in the late COVID era, I had a hard time finding my mom tribe. This led me to start a mother’s circle that allowed moms to gather without their children and talk about the real stuff. If you’re craving that sense of closeness, this is your invitation to make time and space for other moms outside the playground.
We need the support of other moms to not only inspire us in raising our children, but also to hold our hands during the hard seasons. Being with other moms also teaches us we’re not alone in the journey. ✨
All this is to say, motherhood requires presence, patience, unconditional love, and resilience. Use these powers towards yourself and go slow in the process.
“Use these powers towards yourself and go slow in the process.”
It’s okay that some days feel unbelievably hard and some days feel filled with wonder. Allow for the ebbs and flows of your being and meet yourself where you are, with a best friend’s word, a basket of your favorite things, and a few other moms to come along for the ride.
Courtney Jay Higgins is a Contributing Editor at The Good Trade. She has a BA in Visual Communications from The Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising and is the founder of Coincide, a subscription-based yoga platform focusing on inclusive, sustainable yoga rooted in ancient Eastern practices and spirituality. Her 10+ years of experience in yoga include a 200-hr YTT certification in a Hatha-based yoga practice and a certification in prenatal yoga. She has been featured in Shoutout Colorado, Voyage Denver, and Cora’s Blood & Milk. Since 2017, she has been reviewing sustainable fashion, natural makeup, organic wellness, and safe pregnancy products for The Good Trade’s readers.
