If you think the protagonists of Grand Theft Auto 6 look dull as piping hot ditchwater then rejoice, friend, for the game will let you transform these gung-ho sex magnets into weary and despairing zombies, tottering along the shore of Leonida with eyes like sandy latrines and skin like forgotten cheese.

We shall coax muffin tops from those rock hard abs, and fray those thrusting thighs to sticks of soggy cobwebs. We will neglect those shiny biceps to the point that our characters cannot raise a high five, let alone hold a pistol level. We will drag those pneumatic physiques down into the stagnant lagoons of normality. We will make them look like US. And we will laugh, laugh. All of which is to say that GTA 6 simulates the effects of exercise, sleeplessness, and diet (including, I think, recreational drugs like booze) – an elaboration of similar life simulation elements in the ancient Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Yes, I may have gotten slightly carried away.

The news comes in the form of a write-up from Dazed. Without being too unkind to Dazed, who are targetting a non-specialist audience, it’s a puff piece. There’s some coy indulgence of the long-buried debate over whether Games Are Art, and a bunch of flavourly nothings from Rob Nelson, Rockstar North head of development – for example, “we want to enable as much self-expression as possible, without losing the essence of the characters”.

There are a few more concrete development insights. Rockstar have an embedded team in Miami, the inspiration for the game’s Vice City, to study the habits of the residents. There’s a bit of commentary on the music and the game’s “fashion ecology”. I could see myself using GTA 6 as a springboard to learning more about fashion. Once I’m done reducing Jason and Lucia to gibbering wrecks, anyway.

The only other pressing detail is how switching characters will play into the romance and couple dynamics between Jason and Lucia. The example given is switching between driver and passenger seat, while heading out to a job: you can have your AI partner drive you while you check in-game social media. I will ask the obvious question: can we switch characters while they’re bumping uglies? Or is that strictly the province of cutscenes?

Going by the recent leaks, GTA 6 does have a fair bit of nudity, together with saucy activities such as lapdances, but I imagine letting players literally fuck themselves might rouse the ire of those incorrigible payment processors and their grassroots activist friends. Only kidding – blocking a bunch of Itch.io visual novels is one thing, but there’s no way Mastercard and Stripe are going to forgo their cut of GTA 6 sales.

There’s a lot of GTA 6 news in the wilds, especially now that Rockstar have confirmed that the recent leaked videos are legit, and there’s more to follow: this evening, Netflix will host an extended screening.