Total War: Redwall is not an actual Total War game, unfortunately, nor even a mod like Mossflower TW. It’s an evolving pitch from Reddit user BuildingAirships, one among many thousands circulating on yonder internet, like logboats riding the rapids of Noonvale. The latest update is about a potential cooking and feasting system, with all of the comestibles sourced from the groaning banqueting tables of the Brian Jacques books.

We generally resist writing up pitches, because we are quite capable of having massive brainfarts all by ourselves, but I am powerless before the idea that Deeper ‘n Ever Turnip ‘n Tater ‘n Beetroot Pie will boost a unit’s max health, armor and charge defense for four turns. Is that with or without tomato chutney? Bally wild idea, BuildingAirships. You have to get this in front of those Creative Assembly people. Or possibly better, magically find a way to fund your very own Redwall strategy game that isn’t constrained by the needs of Total Warfare.

BuildingAirships came up with the pitch a few months ago, creating a pitchdeck which features a few classic Redwall novel covers and more recent illustrations by Christopher Denise for The Great Redwall Feast and The Redwall Cookbook. The initial doc covers how the project would implement Redwall’s various species as Total War factions, with an emphasis on special terrain abilities, such as pike blocking river crossings and mole sappers building underground fortifications.

There is talk of role-playing elements, inspired by Heroes of Might and Magic, with riddles and prophecies to pursue. Also hero characters, like Mariel Gullwhacker, the bellmaker’s daughter who defeated sea rats with a knotted rope, the very same rope that now hangs from the Joseph Bell of Redwall Abbey. I made a few gullwhackers IRL as a kid. They aren’t as murderous as they’re said to be, but ech, we broke a few windows. All in good fun.

The cooking pitchdeck reimagines Redwall’s many recipes as strategic resources. It makes a case for victory hinging heavily on trade in roots, greens, grains, fruit, nuts and wild game, together with questions of season or climate. Aside from recreating specific dishes, you could set stocks aside for a faction-specific feast, like The Long Patrol’s Hero’s Repast. I like the concept of a real-time strategy game with resourcing mechanics that teach you a bunch of recipes, or educate you about foraging. I am so weary of stockpiling gold and wood.

Redwall videogames do exist, but there has yet to be a genuinely great one. If you’re after the next best thing, I recommend Ghost of a Tale, though it arguably takes more inspiration from The Secret of NIMH.