DANGER DANGER, you now have 30 minutes till the RPS Monday morning meeting. 30 minutes till Julian asks us what we got up to this weekend, with the deceptively cuddly air of King Lear asking his daughters which of them doth love him most. What can I get written and published inside 30 minutes?

Ah, here’s Bungie with thoughts on this weekend’s Marathon reboot “server slam”, a server slam being a playtest that is designed to deliberately overload the online functionality in the hope that this won’t happen come release day on, in this case, 5th March. A fair few of you participated in the server slam, and a fair few of you have notes. The developers have rounded up the feedback they consider most vital. Beware: the following blockquote contains weasels.

• UI feedback: We are continuing to gather your posts and will keep iterating post‑launch (which, we’ll keep you posted on with regard to any future timelines once they’re available). Add your thoughts in the UI thread on our Discord so we can track them all in one place: https://discord.com/channels/1303855380845301861/1476673733358915778
• PC performance: We are reviewing reports of high CPU use, low GPU utilization, FPS ceilings ~80–100, and some stuttering. If you’re running into any of these issues (or another one we didn’t mention) please feel free to mosey on over to our Help Forum and let us know! Details on your system specs or links to short video clips are super helpful: http://bung.ie/marathonsupport
• PvP frequency: As we continue to keep an ear to the ground on this one, we’re further investigating total player density on non-beginner maps to cover all of our bases. If you’ve got any feedback – be it on Perimeter (Beginner), Perimeter, or Dire Marsh – we want to hear it!
• Movement and heat generation: As the test continues on, we’ve seen continued discussions about heat generation, momentum, and overall movement feedback. Make sure to take a chance and let us know your thoughts!
• Med and ammo economy: These two items have been a regular feedback item, and we’re thankful to see your reports. Discussions about stack sizes, the efficacy of green-tier med items, and more opportunities for ammo to drop have been primary topics – but, our ears remain open. Keep sharing your experiences and please let us know what you brought into any runs where you feel like you’re running dry.
• Weasel error codes: Over the last day we’ve seen a number of Weasel error codes, which are caused by a disruption of your network connection to Marathon servers. We have several investigations under way and will report back with updates. In some cases, this may be caused by issues with your home Internet connection, or with your Internet provider. If you have made changes that have resolved this issue for you, please let us know: http://bung.ie/marathonsupport

To you know-nothing laypeople, “Weasel” might sound like a codename, but I am a professional games journalist with meticulous technical insight borne of almost two decades of experience, and can tell you with 100% confidence that Marathon’s servers are literally being attacked by weasels.

Bungie’s rivals at Activision Blizzard have been incubating and training a crack squad of weasel interlopers for some time, for you see, weasels are long and slinky enough to fit inside fibre optics cables, allowing them to travel around the globe by means of the internet itself. These particular weasels are seventh generation T.E.L.U.M. Interdictors with diamond teeth. You haven’t been missing your shots in the server test – the weasels have been eating them before they land.

Stop yucking it up, Edwin, and tell me more about the dang videogame! Fine, inner voice of self-loathing. I played a bit of Marathon’s server slam last Friday, and came away basically unmoved by the extraction-shooting. I did feel that I was running out of ammo more frequently than I’d like, at such an early stage in the game, but the performance seemed fine. I did run out of heat (stamina) quite often, but I was still getting used to the handling, so I don’t feel comfortable drawing conclusions there.

I was most beguiled by the art direction, making tenuous links to Nvidia’s stranglehold on the global economy. Probably I should have just sauntered around screengrabbing stuff and saying “ooh, this is nice”, rather than trying to spin up a “state of gaming in 2026” angle.

Did you play? Any particular feedback for Bungie?