In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you’d find all the weird goofs that we couldn’t fit in anywhere else. Some may call it “filler”; we prefer “a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag”.

We don’t have pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page. Today, Jim’s bemoaning Link’s bedwear…

The Ocarina of Time Switch 2 remake teaser left me with a lot of questions. Whose voice is that? Why does the Deku Tree look uncannily like Ian McKellen? And, most pressing of all: Is Link sleeping in a leather chestplate?

It’s that last one that has kept me up (ironically) in the weeks since. We’ve been acquainted with the Hero of Hyrule for a whopping 40 years now, and we’ve seen him asleep a lot. Surely, surely, it’s time that the lad got some comfy pyjamas.

Keen to check that I wasn’t just making things up, I started to think back through the series for moments when we see Link waking up. It happens in most games, and almost every time, he’s dressed in what looks to be the most uncomfortable sleeping attire imaginable, complete with shoes, headwear, and leather accessories (steady).

Take A Link to the Past, for example. To my memory, this is the first time in the series we see Link in bed — we all remember the iconic “Help me… Please help me…” opening, right? — and his nightwear is appalling. After being awoken from his slumber by Zelda’s plea, Link jumps out of bed to reveal he’s been kipping in a long-sleeve shirt and overlaid tunic, a hat, a buckled-up belt and a pair of red shoes. It’s the same in A Link Between Worlds, too. There’s not a hint of silk or brushed cotton in sight! Think of your REM cycle, Link!

I’ll allow his lack of PJs in the likes of Link’s Awakening and the Oracle games, where he doesn’t choose to sleep, but rather is knocked unconscious. Breath of the Wild feels a bit out of his control, too. I won’t think too much about why he’s put into cold storage in nothing but his underwear, but hey, it’s comfier than sleeping for 100 years in a hat and shoes.

Naps, similarly, don’t count. Many of us have experienced a post-Christmas dinner kip in whatever outfit we happen to be wearing at the time (usually with a paper crown still atop the head), so who am I to judge Wind Waker Link for catching some Zs on Outset Island while dressed in another long-sleeve tee and soft shoes? Actually, this might be the comfiest sleeping attire of the bunch, and he’s not even wearing it in bed.

Ocarina of Time (the N64 original), however, is inexcusable. The Deku Tree’s opening monologue shows Link tossing and turning in his sleep, and it’s no wonder! The boy is wearing a pair of calf-height leather boots to bed, for crying out loud!

The dogs have been freed in the Switch 2 remake, it seems, as Link is bootless this time around, but the leather has migrated up his body to a full chestplate and skirt instead. He can’t catch a break.

Things are marginally better in my beloved The Minish Cap, where Link at least foregoes any headwear in bed. Even when you return for a nap in your room after picking up Ezlo, Link will still take off his hat pal before hitting the hay. The belt and shoes remain, natch, but I also reckon this might be the comfiest-looking bed in the series so far, so… win?

No, not win, because by the time we hit Skyward Sword, all those lessons in comfort have gone out the window. Look, it’s easy to dunk on the goofiness of SS Link, but when you’re going to bed in *clears throat* a long-sleeve top with a rigid brace tied around your midriff in thick rope, long trousers, a pair of snowboots and his earrings, how can I not turn my nose up at this guy? He even goes back to bed later in the game in his full tunic, gloves, and chainmail. Just imagine the sweat this guy produces after a bad dream. Sheesh.

All this is to say that after everything Link has been through, doesn’t the poor guy deserve a pair of cosy jammies? This is the kid who’s spending his days hopping between worlds, defeating enemies, and helping a strange number of farmers re-pen their chickens, surely some fluffy bottoms, an oversized tee and a cuddly Goron plushie are in order after all that.

Perhaps I’m thinking about this all wrong, though. If the above fits are genuinely what Link chooses to wear to bed, then doesn’t that mean…that he’s always in his pyjamas?

It would explain his insistence on keeping that wee willy winkie hat on at all hours, and his ability to keep cool when faced with Ganondorf for the 100th time. You try feeling stressed after spending the week in nothing but your Spider-Man-emblazoned Primark two-piece.

If that is the case, maybe I need to rethink some things. Okay, from the top. After 40 years, it’s high time Link changed out of his pyjamas…