Okay so, weird theory incoming.

I don’t think we fall in love with people. I think we fall in love with the idea of them that we build in our own heads.

I know how that sounds. A little cold, maybe even a little insulting. I thought so too when this first occurred to me. But then I kept watching people around me fall in love & fall out of it too & honestly, it just kept making more & more sense.

Here’s what I mean.

When you meet someone new, you don’t actually know them yet. You know bits and pieces. A few good conversations, the way they laugh at their own jokes, that one story they told you about their childhood or their mom or the time they moved to a new city not knowing anyone. Maybe even a random 1AM text that made you smile for no reason.

That’s it. That’s all you’ve got.

So what does your brain do with the rest? It fills in the blanks. Automatically, without asking your permission.

You meet a guy who remembers something small, like the name of your best friend or the fact that you don’t like spicy food and suddenly he’s “thoughtful.” You meet a girl who stayed calm and patient during a rough phase and suddenly she’s “emotionally mature.” Somewhere along the way you decide this person would never lie to you, never bail on you, never turn into someone you don’t recognize.

Except… they never actually promised you any of that. You just decided it, on their behalf.

And once you’ve decided it, something sneaky happens.. you stop actually getting to know them. You start dating the version of them you made up. Their good version, the highlight reel your brain quietly edited together from a few good conversations & one really nice evening out.

Honestly, that’s probably why the beginning of a relationship feels so good. It’s not really about the other person yet. It’s about the story you’re writing. Not knowing everything about someone isn’t scary at that point.. it’s exciting, because your imagination gets to fill in the gaps with whatever you want.

Then slowly, real life shows up.

You start seeing things that don’t match the story. An opinion that surprises you, a fear they never mentioned before, a selfish moment or bad mood that came out of nowhere. Nothing dramatic, usually just… them. The actual, whole, unedited person, showing up in places your imagination hadn’t gotten to yet.

And this is usually the part where someone says, “You’ve changed.”

Sometimes that’s true. But a lot of the time? Maybe they didn’t change at all.. maybe you just ran out of blank pages to write on.

I genuinely wonder how many breakups are really about the other person & how many are about watching a story you wrote fall apart. Because those are two very different kinds of pain. Losing a person hurts in a clean, obvious way. But watching an illusion crack is confusing.. you don’t even know who to be upset with. Them, for not being who you imagined? Or yourself, for imagining it in the first place?

Maybe that’s the real difference between the early stage and the long haul stage of love. Early on, you’re imagining someone. Later, you actually have to see them.. flaws, contradictions, bad days & all.. and decide if you still want to stay.

And weirdly, that part.. the seeing, not the imagining.. might be the harder thing to do. But it’s also the more real thing. I don’t think that’s a depressing thought, even though it might sound like one.

I think it means the real version of love doesn’t start the moment you meet someone. It starts the moment you stop needing them to be a character & just let them be a person with flaws & all.

And honestly? That’s the version worth staying for i guess. Anyway, that’s just a theory.. could be wrong as well. Let me know if you’ve felt it too.