Premier Danielle Smith, leader of the Not Really United Conservative Party, has announced that a question (actually, two questions, but don’t ask) will be added to the already bloated referendum ballot in October. The new questions are about the wackadoodle idea of Alberta separation. 

The newly-added question reads: “Should Alberta remain a province of Canada or should the Government of Alberta commence the legal process required under the Canadian Constitution to hold a binding provincial referendum on whether or not Alberta should separate from Canada?” 

Of course, it would have made more sense to ask only the first question. If the majority say no, which we certainly will, that makes the second question moot. But Smith, caught between a rock and a hard place of her own creation, has to keep the separatist core of her party happy by asking about separation. It didn’t work. They are angrier than ever, which delights me to no end. 

The ballot is now up to 10 questions. (Or is it twelve? Fifteen? Who can keep track?) But, Danielle, why stop there? There are plenty of other questions that we, as sovereign residents of proud and free Alberta, should be allowed to ask. Since we’re going to have a multi-question referendum (which will require 60,000 to 90,000 workers and cost untold millions of dollars), we should cover a few more issues. Why not? If we’re going for a government by referendum, let’s go for it. So, with that in mind, I have some suggestions …

Question 11: Should a) Alberta continue to encourage private corporations to build massive data farms that will suck up thousands of acres of land and drain millions of gallons of water?, or b) what’s a data farm?

Question 12: Should Alberta’s official song be a) Alberta Bound, b) Springtime in Alberta, c) Four Strong Winds, d) Alberta (Let Your Hair Hang Low)?

Question 13: If Alberta separates and requires its own money, which of the following should be included on our paper money? a) former Premier William Aberhart, b) former Premier Ralph Klein, c) world-famous media theorist Marshall McLuhan, d) Edmonton-born Michael J. Fox, e) Edmonton-born Nathan Fillion, f) Calgary’s own Brett ‘The Hitman’ Hart.

Question 14: Alberta has just adopted a new licence plate slogan, Strong and Free. If Alberta were to separate, which of the following should be our new slogan? a) Stronger and Freer? b) Land of Pumpjacks c) It’s All About The Oil, d) Screw You, Ottawa.

Question 15: If Alberta were to separate, how much of the Canada Pension Plan should we demand be returned to Alberta? a) $334 billion, b) $500 billion, c) $1 trillion, d) all of it.

Question 16: If Alberta were to separate, what should we call our new provincial police force? a) the Alberta National Police, b) the National Alberta Police, c) The Alberta Strong and Free Police Force, d) Strike Force Alberta!

Question 12: Should the Edmonton Canadian Football League team a) continue to call itself the ‘Elks’, b) revert to its previous name Eskimos, c)  keep the name Elks even though the plural of ‘elk’ is ‘elk’? 

Question 13: What should the speed limit be on the QEII? a) 120 kmh b) 130 kmh, c) Go for it! You’re a Free Albertan.