A few years back, I had a boss who, instead of saying “No,” would say “That’s not aligned right now.” It seemed like a much nicer, more spiritual way to say no without hurting anyone’s feelings. An easy way to say “that’s not right for me” without having to make any excuses, explanations, or offend the asking party. I liked this graceful decline method and picked it up for myself.

“A few years back, I had a boss who, instead of saying ‘No,’ would say ‘That’s not aligned right now.’”

That was really the first time I remember noticing the word “aligned.” And maybe it’s that thing where once you hear about something, it’s everywhere, but since then, I feel like I hear it incessantly. Especially in self-help and spiritual content, which I personally consume a lot of.

Whether something “has left your experience because it’s out of alignment for you” or “your manifestation has come through because you’re aligned with your soul’s wishes,” it seems to show up everywhere. So much so that it’s started to lose its meaning to me. It’s started to feel like spiritual jargon. Instead of really feeling into the word and its deeper message, I’ve begun to gloss over it.

The other day, I was writing my newsletter and, without thinking, used the word. I stopped myself: What does that really mean? And on a deeper level, what is truly “aligned” for me or anyone, anyway?

So I turned to the dictionary to see how it was defined.

Is your life in agreement?

First, I looked up the word “aligned,” which means “to bring to or be in a state of agreement.” And beyond just being on the same page as someone else in decision-making (like where to eat dinner or how to move forward with something at work), I started to consider all the things that can be in or out of agreement in our lives. For instance, when what you feel you want is in alignment with your words and actions, that’s when things seem to flow with ease.

If you feel like you’ve been pushing and forcing and are looking to cultivate more flow – taking a look at where you can bring things into agreement might be the missing piece… some examples:

• When you make a commitment to yourself to do a new healthy routine, do you follow through? Is your intention in agreement with your action?
• When you say yes to plans, are you actually excited for them? Are your words in agreement with your desires? 
• When your intuition tells you something is wrong, do you honor it instead of mentally bypassing the hint? Is your body in alignment with your mind?

If we go back to the example about my boss, the opportunity someone offered her was not in agreement with her schedule or how she wanted to spend her time… so she passed. Honoring her alignment. 

And to take things a step further, if you’re striving for true flow, there needs to be agreement between who you really are and how you’re showing up every day. Authenticity is where the magic starts to happen. And as it turns out, when we make being ourselves our only priority, we don’t even have to worry about wanting anything else. Because day by day, as we practice showing up as a true, in-the-moment expression of ourselves rather than a calculated performative version, the things we want can naturally magnetize to us because we’re a fit for it.

“If you’re striving for true flow, there needs to be agreement between who you really are and how you’re showing up every day.”

People have a better sense of what to offer us or who to introduce us to. Our energy is a match for the things the universe wants to send us, and the timing finally lines up. And it seems like most of the biggest blessings come to us this way: The way you meet your partner, the run-in at a coffee shop that turns into a job, the decision to take a different route home, and seeing something that sparks an idea.

All of these moments were actually just an instantaneous alignment you didn’t even have to force. Just by being you, the puzzle pieces fit together.

But understanding what it means to be “aligned” is only half the picture. The word “alignment” itself offered another lens entirely.

Why structural integrity is essential

Next, I looked up the word “alignment,” and the definition is “the way objects in space are arranged in proper relation to each other.”

Immediately, this reminds me of building a house. If the foundation is uneven, the whole structure shifts. If the door frames aren’t straight, the doors won’t close. If the roof rafters don’t meet at the right angle, it leaks. At every stage, alignment is what makes a house actually function as a home.

“At every stage, alignment is what makes a house actually function as a home.”

Martha Beck talks about this in her book “The Way of Integrity.” She gives the example of a plane: If a wing is down or there’s an issue with the structural integrity, the plane won’t be able to fly. And you can’t fake it, or the results would be fatal. Through that lens, alignment is not only a nice-to-have to get what we want, but a must-have for our safety.

And the thing is, you just don’t feel good when you’re not in alignment. When you’ve made a commitment to yourself and don’t follow through, you start to feel guilty and self-critical. If you say yes when you really want to say no, you dread your obligations. If you’re in a relationship you know isn’t right for you, your body literally has a physical stress response.

A while back, I was in a relationship I knew wasn’t right. I wanted a partner, and this person couldn’t commit. Despite my knowing, I continued to stay in an on-again, off-again cycle.

Finally, my body started to say no. I was in a perpetual state of stress. What I knew was right was in conflict with my actions, and I couldn’t escape the constant knot in my stomach telling me otherwise. I spoke up and ended the relationship. And after a healthy grieving period, my body came back into a relaxed state. 

“What I knew was right was in conflict with my actions, and I couldn’t escape the constant knot in my stomach telling me otherwise.”

As time goes on, I continue to see how I can’t trick my body, and while that’s sometimes annoying, it’s always for my highest good. I went on to meet an amazing, totally committed partner months later, and I’m so grateful I listened to my body. I always believe that a reward is on the other side of honoring yourself.

Alignment at its core is integrity. As Martha Beck says, “Integrity is the cure for psychological suffering. Period.” And when we’re in integrity, things just feel right.

How to practice alignment

Alignment, like anything else, is a muscle. And it requires self-awareness first — and self-awareness requires a pause. A moment between the situation and your response where you can decide to act in a way that’s aligned.

Step 1: Notice where things are out of agreement

Start by paying attention to how your body feels. I’ve learned that my body tells me the truth before my mind catches up. That knot in your stomach when you say yes to plans you don’t want to do? That’s misalignment. Usually, the answer is somewhere I’m not being honest with myself about. And bringing my intentions back into agreement with my actions always helps.

Step 2: Learn to pause

When I wake up, I take five minutes and just be with whatever arises. Embrace the feelings alive in me, and instead of judging or analyzing, feel them. Then once I’ve moved through them, I can make a decision that’s aligned with what I want instead of one that’s reactive and emotional.

Writing three stream-of-consciousness pages in the morning can also be a great way to get everything out and see what your emotional landscape is trying to tell you.

“Writing three stream-of-consciousness pages in the morning can also be a great way to get everything out and see what your emotional landscape is trying to tell you.”

And when a decision comes up during the day, I’ve learned to wait before responding. Even just “Let me think about that and get back to you” gives you time to check in with yourself instead of automatically saying yes out of obligation.

And once you have that space, the hard part begins — speaking up, and actually making the choice.

Step 3: Make the aligned choice, even if it’s uncomfortable

This is the hardest part because aligned choices often feel scary in the moment… especially if you’re a people pleaser (which I’ve historically been). When I ended that relationship, I could barely get the words out. But I’ve learned that aligned choices have a specific feeling: They’re scary, but I know I’ll feel relief on the other side.

The reward on the other side of alignment

Right before I make a scary decision for the sake of alignment, I have to pump myself up. I remind myself: Something better is waiting on the other side of the honest choice. A relationship that’s everything I want and not just a few things. A client or job that’s genuinely fun instead of one that feels like an uphill battle. Or just an overall feeling of peace.

“I remind myself: Something better is waiting on the other side of the honest choice.”

And this isn’t just a pep talk. It’s always the truth. I see it over and over again when I’m brave enough to make the aligned decision.

A few months after leaving that on-again-off-again relationship, I met someone who is everything I actually wanted. I can’t even believe what I was willing to settle for before. I’m sitting next to him in Iceland as I edit this piece. But I had to stay in trust and honor myself to get here.

How I’m reclaiming the word alignment

So now when I hear someone say “That’s not aligned for me,” it feels different. It’s not just a nicer way to say no or a spiritual filler word. It’s a statement of integrity.

“It’s not just a nicer way to say no or a spiritual filler word. It’s a statement of integrity.”

And when I use the word myself, it means something different. It’s not a deflection…it’s the truth. It’s me saying I’ve checked in with myself, and this isn’t in agreement with where I’m going or who I’m becoming. And that’s okay.

If you’re not feeling in flow, if you’re feeling stuck, stagnant, plateaued, or even stressed, start looking at where things in your life are out of agreement or structural integrity. That’s usually where the answer is waiting.

Grace Abbott is a LA-based freelance Brand & Marketing Strategist and a Contributing Editor at The Good Trade. She has a degree in Graphic Design from Parsons School of Design and is the founder of How To Go Freelance — a brand dedicated to empowering creatives to monetize their skills and build personal brands. Beyond work, she’s always studying a new spiritual modality, painting her bedroom a new color, practicing Pilates, hosting friends, or going on a nature walk with her chihuahua, Donnie. Find her on Substack or Instagram.