Name: LinkedIn Speak.

Age: One month old.

Appearance: An excellent solution for optimising the impact of your high-level strategic narratives and refining complex communication streams.

Huh? Didn’t you hear me? It’s a profound deep dive into the unique value-add narratives leveraged by high-level stakeholders to strategically optimise their professional brand equity and thought leadership positioning.

Please, I’m begging you, stop. Oh fine, it’s a feature on a translation app designed to make everything you say sound like it was written for LinkedIn, the pervasive professional networking site.

That wasn’t so hard. Yes it was. Do you know what happens to people who speak plainly on LinkedIn?

No. They are ostracised. The sole purpose of LinkedIn is to make users look like the sort of relentlessly go-getting achievers who only read books about synergy management strategies.

So? So imagine if you just wandered in and wrote something inane, such as: “I just saw a lovely donkey.” You would never be promoted again.

But what if I really did see a lovely donkey? Then you write: “I recently had a powerful reminder that consistent effort and carrying the heavy loads often go unrecognised, yet they are the backbone of any successful operation.”

How … how did you do that? With the app! Like I said, the Kagi Translate app has launched a new feature that turns your basic thoughts into jargon-heavy corporate gibberish.

And people like this? People love it. So far it seems to be used in equal part by people who really do want to try to fit in better on LinkedIn, and people who just want to see what happens if they type in: “I pooped my pants.”

What does happen if you write that? “Today I faced an unexpected challenge that pushed me out of my comfort zone and forced me to pivot in real-time.”

Wow. Even better, the app works backwards, so you can paste in someone’s real LinkedIn update and it will translate it back to plain English.

Really? Yes. So something like, “Under our Corporate Strategy 2027, we have outlined our aim to drive growth through synergies across existing business segments,” becomes, “Our plan basically boils down to hoping our different departments actually talk to each other so we can finally make some money.”

This is invaluable. Did I mention that Kagi also has a gen Z translator?

No. Fr fr, it lowkey hits different.

Absolutely stop that now. Good though, isn’t it? AI is finally teaching us how to cut through corporate jargon. What a nice thing to do right before it obliterates the workforce.

Do say: “I’m a huge advocate for radical transparency and streamlining our internal communications to ensure maximum alignment.”

Don’t say: “Just talk normally FFS.”