I’m not sure what I was picturing when I thought of play therapy before I participated in Dr. Jodi Mullen’s training — but everything I learned and experienced over the course of those two days inspired and taught me more than I thought was possible. 

“I can safely say that there is so much depth and richness in working with children, especially once you learn to speak their language.”

As a training clinician in the first year of my MSW and my very first internship at a mental health clinic, I didn’t have very much background on working with children, and I have long understood myself to be more comfortable working with adults. However, when the opportunity came up at the clinic where I intern to train alongside other interns and experienced clinicians with a play therapy and sand tray therapy expert, I was intrigued to say the least. We spent two days learning in-depth theory, practicing clinical technique, and even engaging in some sand tray play ourselves. Now, I can safely say that there is so much depth and richness in working with children, especially once you learn to speak their language. 

In psychoanalytic theory, which is where all therapy (both child and adult) got its start, free association and language are the ultimate keys to the momentum of progress. Free association is the therapeutic practice of allowing the patient to ramble and speak freely, connecting random thoughts, stories, feelings, and memories as tightly or loosely related as they may be. In psychoanalysis, this is how we make discoveries, connect to ourselves and our emotions, and better understand our experiences. One might assume, as I did, that the more eloquent a patient is, the more attuned they can be to the process of free association. However, what I lacked, and have since gained, is the ability to ask the simple question: What do we mean by ‘language’?

While words are the language of adults, play is the language of kids. It’s not just how they occupy themselves — it’s a form of self-expression for them. And in order for that self-expression to be as authentic as possible, kids need to feel safe and supported.

“While words are the language of adults, play is the language of kids.”

Psychoanalysts Melanie Klein and Anna Freud, despite major ideological clashes, were both pioneers of child analysis through play. Klein posited that using play and toys in child therapy could very directly mirror the adult process of verbal free association by revealing unconscious fantasies, anxieties, and conflicts. Anna Freud, on the other hand, was more beholden to the original stages of development and saw play as a rapport-building mechanism, focusing more on establishing and exploring relationships.

We can see these opposing foundational views come together in how play therapy and sand tray therapy — a form of play therapy that uses a sandbox, toy figures, and sometimes water — are practiced today. One of my major takeaways from training with Dr. Mullen is that both in play therapy (as well as regular play), the therapeutic aspect manifests in two parts: The play itself, and the trust you build with the patient.

“What makes play therapy a powerful experience of healing and growth is that play therapists are trained in the language of children; play, ” says Dr. Mullens. “Children are able to communicate in their natural language and are not limited to the verbal-based, left-brained, adult-centric ways of therapy. Additionally, it is not what the play therapist does, but who they are. The benefits of play therapy require play therapists to create the neuroception of safety.”

“Just like how active listening can open up avenues for adults to communicate with one another beyond a therapeutic setting, so too can we listen to the way children play.”

If we follow the line of thinking that play is the language of children, they are expressing themselves whenever they play, not just when they’re in front of a clinician. Just like how adults use language to convey meaning all the time. It would be silly to assume that the only words that mean something are the ones you say to your therapist. Dr. Mullen says about this, “If we understand as parents the importance and value of play and recognize that through play, children show us their perspective, we can be more attuned to our children and their way of seeing the world.” Just like how active listening can open up avenues for adults to communicate with one another beyond a therapeutic setting, so too can we listen to the way children play.

Her book, “Freakishly Well-Behaved Kids” goes further in-depth about this very principle: Learning about the child’s perspective, the way that they see and conceptualize their lives and environments, can be revolutionary to understanding them as whole people. How, then, from a child-centered lens, do we use play to learn about our own children and the children in our lives? While play therapy is practiced in a specific environment with a clinician and is very distinct from the act of playing with one’s own children, there are parts of the therapeutic practice that can be helpful to bring home.

Being fully present with your child and allowing yourself to observe without judgment or fear is a huge piece of the puzzle. While interpretation is part of the clinical foundation, my intuition is that, as a parent, digging too deeply into symbolism and interpretation isn’t nearly as important as noticing how they play. What emotions manifest for them? What themes do they gravitate towards repeatedly? Do they prefer to play alone or involve others? For example, if your child is incredibly selective about the toys they choose and sees the selection of toys as a key part of play, that might give you some insight into how they think about their surroundings. Especially from the parenting angle as opposed to a clinical one, it can be intuitive. Simply noticing what they notice and how they move about their world can be very transformative.

“Digging too deeply into symbolism and interpretation isn’t nearly as important as noticing how they play.”

One of the details that I found the most fascinating about training with Dr. Mullen was the revelation that while play is the language of children, adults can use the language of play, too. We did, of course, all speak it at one point. Play might even be described as our mother tongue, even if it has been forgotten over time. When I asked her what makes someone a good candidate for play therapy or sand tray therapy, she responded, “I am biased here, I think all children and adults benefit from ways of communicating that are not verbally-based, and neuroscience backs this up. Play and sand play therapy are well-suited to children developmentally. It is also well-suited to traumatized people of any age, people with expressive language challenges, and to any or all of us who, on occasion, cannot find the words to express our lived experiences with heartbreak, anxiety, grief, etc.”

As play therapy is all about using toys and play to express oneself freely and process emotions, traumas, and changes free from directives, it can serve different purposes for different people. For children, it can meet them where they’re at. For adults, it can allow for a brand-new way of understanding and conceptualizing your experiences.  

Sometimes, when the language we are used to trying time and time again leads us in circles, it can be freeing to express things in a new and unexpected way. It can even lead to new insights and reflections. While play therapy is mostly utilized in a clinical setting for children, adults can benefit immensely from play therapy, and from play in general! That being said, it seems to me that one of the best ways to learn your child’s language of play is to do so experientially from time to time. Not just as an observer of play, but as a participant.

“When the language we are used to trying time and time again leads us in circles, it can be freeing to express things in a new and unexpected way.”

Try engaging in an observant and mindful experience while playing with your child, noticing the dynamics, themes, and ideas that emerge. Maybe even experimenting with play on your own to gain a new perspective. It might feel silly to play with toys on your own as an adult at first, but having experienced it firsthand, I would describe it as an amazing reflective exercise, maybe even a little like journaling. It’s not always easy, either. Tough stuff can come up, just like with any process of self-exploration. 

From a play therapy lens, there is so much that you can learn about your child — and yourself! — with the art of play. Learning about yourself can open up new ways of understanding your child, and learning about your child can open up new ideas about how you understand yourself.

And through a combination of cultivating a safe space for kids to express and be themselves, and noticing them with care and presence, you can make space for so much processing, development, trust, and learning.

Jamie Kahn is a writer and yoga teacher based in New York. Her work has been featured in Glamour, Brooklyn Magazine, Epiphany, The Evergreen Review, and others.