I am sure that, if I were a porter of any kind in the material world, I would find an exoskeleton quite helpful. Probably, anyway, I might also be too afraid that one would crush my bones, or fuse to my body in a horrendous accident that results in the government stealing me away to send me on top secret missions thanks to my strong part-robot body. None of that happened when I used an exoskeleton in both Death Stranding games, it was actually quite a useful thing to do. And now, apparently, I can try out what the experience of what using one is like, free of my silly little bits, with an – I kid you not – officially licensed Death Stranding 2: On the Beach exoskeleton.

I know, I know, that one isn’t on PC yet! You and I both know it’ll come this way eventually, and the first one is, and I just needed to write about this ridiculous piece of merchandise that surely spells out the death of capitalism, and so this is my justification, alright? Anyway! The official Death Stranding 2 exoskeleton comes from a company called Dnsys which makes, well, exoskeletons.

It is apparently made in collaboration with Kojima Productions, and specifically co-designed with art director Yoji Shinkawa. The store page for it notes that it is the “first collaboration between the game developer and the exoskeleton manufacturer,” a point that I don’t think needed pointing out at all, and also raises several questions we won’t get into right now.

In terms of what it actually does, it “extends hiking range by 15.5 miles, and vertical climbing by 9.3 miles,” it offers 50% extra power to your steps (whatever that means) and knee pressure relief, can make you feel up to 44 pounds lighter, can adapt to all kinds of terrain, and lasts up to four hours of continuous use. Oh, and it has some fancy lights which look like the ones on the game’s exoskeletons.

Right now there’s no price attached to this thing, but I’m betting on it being expensive. A different model from the company that isn’t themed after a video game (how boring, right?) will apparently cost $1500 when it launches, so you’re looking at around that minimum, though likely more.

Truthfully, this just feels like the kind of thing a superfan would buy and perhaps use once for a Halloween costume only to put it back in its box and stuff it in the attic. I admit it does have a potentially useful purpose, that purpose just feels diminished by its luxury goods status. It just leaves me wondering where merchandise can go from here. Will Kojima try to flog an actual baby in a pod? Perhaps Labubu style in mystery boxes! I pray we never evolve into such a world.