So, now that you know that I am 100% very knowledgeable about horses, here are the Best Horses on the Nintendo Switch, in no particular order, because I don’t want to upset the horses and have them kick me in the skull.

Kate’s Nintendo Life’s Official List Of Best Horses

Epona

Kate, Amateur Enjoyer Of Horses: We’ll start off basic with everyone’s favourite video game horse: Epona. Link’s steady companion from Ocarina of Time onwards, this chestnut mare was raised by Malon and is iconic enough to earn her own song and appear on the title screen.

Yes, in Breath of the Wild, Link can obtain some very cool horses — the Giant Horse and the Royal White Stallion — but it’s always Epona that has our heart. She’s a good, good horse.

Alice Ruppert, Horse Expert: My special shoutout goes to Twilight Princess’ Epona, where she even gets her own rescue subplot, and unlocking her as a mount is made infinitely more satisfying by virtue of having to fight to get her back. Acquiring in-game mounts through story missions like that is so underrated, and I want more of it!

Roach

Kate: Geralt’s faithful steed in The Witcher, Roach, is actually a bunch of horses, because it turns out that Geralt goes through horses like he goes through girlfriends. But he always has a Roach, and that Roach always patiently listens to him as he talks about stuff, as detailed in this quote from Blood and Wine:

“Many a witcher has talked over the nuts and bolts of his current contract with his horse while staring at the stars shining above the lonely road, though few would ever admit to this.”

However, the same journal entry also lightly ribs Roach for her tendency to act in an un-horse-like manner:

“In truth, though, he was very attached to her and would never trade her for any other horse. Not even one which, when summoned, would never stand helpless in front of a seemingly easily surmountable obstacle, such as a low fence or stray piece of timber. Nor even one which would sometimes, in some incomprehensible fashion, wind up dancing on some peasant’s roof. ‘Well,’ Geralt would say with a shrug. ‘A witcher’s horse isn’t a normal animal. Constant contact with magic beverages and Signs must have left a mark.'”

Geralt doesn’t really have a lot of friends, but Roach is definitely one of them. Isn’t that just lovely?

Alice: Roach is love, Roach is life. Though, I gotta say: massive missed opportunity in The Witcher 3 that they didn’t just recolour Roach while Geralt is on Skellige without any further comment on it! Like, we see in the cutscenes that Geralt arrives by shipwreck, no way he brought a horse along! It would have been so funny for Roach to just be a visibly different horse while he’s on the island, and to switch back whenever you fast-travel back to the mainland.

I am SO excited to see what CDPR ends up doing with Kelpie in The Witcher 4… Because that tech demo they showed was immensely promising, not just in terms of animation and anatomy, but also in treating the horse like a character, rather than a vehicle!

Skyrim Horses

Kate: Yes, you can walk across Skyrim. Yes, you can hire horsecarts to fast-travel you to places. But there’s a reason that navigating sheer cliffs via horse is referred to as ‘Skyrimming’ your way up a mountain (at least, in my household).

Horses in Skyrim allow you to cheese your way up previously insurmountable obstacles, with their powerful and probably magic legs that can apparently handle the craggiest of terrain with no problems. We can learn a lesson or two from Skyrim’s horses. Mostly about rock climbing.

Alice: I have to say, for all the silly rock climbing antics people make fun of when it comes to Skyrim horses, the models themselves actually manage to look quite good even when being vertically plastered to cliffs! Say what you will about the above image, but that still looks a lot better to me than many alternatives, where the inverse kinematics lead to horribly broken-looking bent forelegs!

The Horse From A Wonderful Life

Kate: So far, many of our best horses have had some specific boon — friendship, mountain climbing, cool songs — but the horse from Story of Seasons: A Wonderful Life is just a Very Nice Horse. The Harvest Moon games are beloved for their extremely likeable cows, which means that this lovely horse gets overlooked.

But look at it! Such a gloriously long face! Even for a horse! Regard its little hooves! Witness its voluminous tail! And it comes in three colours! This horse is a nice horse.

Alice: This one loses points for its beady eyes, weirdly placed foreleg joints, and flesh-colored ears, even if it does have a nicely voluminous tail.

Pokémon Horses

Kate: Forgive me for grouping all these fine fillies and stellar stallions together, but we’d be here all day if I did them all separately.

Pokémon has a lot of good horses, you see.

There’s the dual legendaries, Spectrier and Glastrier – the former, a gloriously goth horse that would have been my absolute favourite as an emo tween, and the latter a stately ice-horse with the ability Chilling Neigh, which is immediately cool as heck.

There’s Ponyta and Rapidash, the beloved horses from the OG 150, with their adorable candy floss Galarian forms, and their (very appropriate for the Year of the Fire Horse) flaming manes.

There’s Mudsdale, the shire-horse-like lad who evolves, somehow, from a donkey, with big, beefy legs that can carry you across the plains of Alola or stomp your opponents into submission.

Then there’s Keldeo, the mythical Colt Pokémon, with the alternate form of “what if really big horn”, which functions as a sword. Very neat! Very dangerous! I’m glad real-life horses don’t have face-knives!

Finally, we’ve got Arceus — the literal god of the Pokémon world — who is less obviously ‘horse’ than the others, thanks to its pointy feet and deer-like grace, but we’re calling it a horse.

With two legendary horses, one mythical horse, and an actual god horse, we have the suspicion that there’s someone on the Game Freak team who really, really likes horses. And who can blame them?

Alice: I love Mudsdale for being rare draft horse representation, but Ponyta and Rapidash are the clear winners of ‘best horse Pokémon’, if you ask me. You know how people sometimes complain that all Pokémon designs are getting rounder and don’t have sharp lines anymore? That applies to almost all cartoon horses, too, but actually having some sharp lines and edges are what makes cartoon horses more horse-y! Ponyta and Rapidash had some edge, and that’s wonderful. Also, they’re literally on fire. What else can you ask for?

The Stardew Horse

Kate: This horse can wear hats. It’s an expensive investment, but well worth it. Because it can WEAR HATS.

Alice: I love Stardew Valley, but I will never not be salty that of all animals in the game, this is the only one you cannot build a relationship with, and you cannot do anything that would count as ‘taking care of it’. No filling a water bowl, like you can for your dog or cat, no feeding or giving treats, no hearts to fill up, no stable upgrades. The Punished Backlog said it best: The Horse in Stardew Valley Deserves Better.

We’ve got even more horses on page two…