My Menace campaign hasn’t been a rousing success. In my first mission, I failed a string of optional objectives and saw one of my squads gunned down by a group of heavily-armed, jetpack-wearing space pirates. I got revenge by running them over with an APC. So, we’ll call it a draw. But I need to up my game if I’m to kick these freeloading bandits off the planet Backbone.

For my next mission in Operation The Pirates Of Menzance, I’m given the choice of protecting a settlement from a pirate raid or rescuing the planet’s governor and other bureaucratic bigwigs from captivity.

I’d like to believe I’m one of those navy types that comes from working class roots and protect their common kind. But, looking at how I arrived in command, with little training and by fluke of being the only person with a chevron pinned to their chest that wasn’t killed in the warp accident when we arrived in the Wayback system, I have to accept I’m the other kind. A military type who only signed up because their elder brother inherited the estate and a seat in the lords, leaving me the option of joining the church, the bar, or the military. Like one of the cads in a Jane Austen novel. The governor is probably a distant reli of mine.

I ditch the colonists and set the dropship’s nav computer to cousin Nige’s mansion.

It’s not all looking out for family. My reward for protecting the settlement is a on-planet garage that repairs my vehicles between missions for the rest of the operation. Rescuing the high-ranking cuz, however, earns me trust with the faction he works for. Menace is all about fostering those connections. When you level up a relationship with a faction, you’ll be able to buy specialist equipment from them. As much as an APC repair might be nice, I’m playing the long-game.

At the start of the last mission, I realised I’d hired two vehicle pilots with only one APC between them. Happily, you can buy extra gear on the black market, so long as you have enough loot to trade. Unhappily, an APC costs far more than I can make from selling the grenades and pirate guns I scavenged after from the last mission. What I can afford, though, is a squad leader dossier, a document that unlocks a new recruit in the hiring screen.

Tekko’Beo ‘Tech’ Phosa is an infantry leader who looks like he eats bullets for breakfast and shits howitzer shells. (Even if he does look like a walking ’80s action movie cliche.) Every squad leader and pilot in Menace has a different starting skill, suggesting how you may want to play them. Tech’s is the ability to fire heavy weapons without needing to deploy them first. He can basically hipfire a bazooka. Of course, I don’t yet have a bazooka, but it’s good to know Tech’s willing.

Despite missing out on three secondary objectives in my last mission, I’ve earned enough XP to promote my other squad leaders. Other than the unique starting skill, the rest of the abilities your squad leaders earn are duplicated across the roster, though they may appear as available unlocks in a different order. I pick a skill for Darby, Lim, and Gerry and start them on the path of specialisation.

For Darby, my wounded recon unit, I choose a perk that increases the accuracy of shots aimed at the same target. I want to build her into a sniper, and will choose anything that makes her more deadly at a distance. I want Lim to be more of a frontrunner, and after he was ambushed so easily in the last mission, I opt for a skill that increases his view range and detection ability. Gerry showed how vital mobile support can be in the last mission, turning up to support a dying Darby, so I pick a skill that reduces the cost of turning and reversing vehicles.

All my units are armed with starting weapons still, military grade carbines, but hopefully in time I’ll find the sniper rifles, shotguns, and light machine guns that will pair well with their skillsets.

My mistake in the last mission – at least, one of them – was splitting my troops up and sending them after different objectives. I was aiming for speed but, on their own, they were easy to pin down. This time I’ll tackle the objectives one by one, moving my forces as a group.

When planning for the mission, you pick where to deploy your troops. The prep screen shows where the objectives are on the map, but without intelligence equipment installed on your ship, the TCRN Impetus, you don’t see any information about enemy troop numbers or placement. The prisoners are located in two townships in the centre of the map. The westernmost settlement is surrounded by forests, so I deploy my units in a cluster in the south. I’ll push north, using the forest as cover. Speed will be key, if I move quickly, maybe I can collect the first VIPs and move onto the second before the enemy organises a strong defence. It almost sounds like I know what I’m doing.

Between missions I’ve remembered one of the defining characteristics of an Armoured Personnel Carrier – that it can carry personnel… armoured-ly. I managed to go the whole of the last mission without once thinking to load my troops into the fast-moving protective vehicle. Gerry must have been watching Lim jog alongside his steel-plated taxi wondering if the squad leader had hit his head in the dropship.

Darby’s injuries mean she can only move a fraction of the distance of my other squads, so I load her into the back of Jerry’s meat wagon. I’d roar off into the woods immediately, but, as Gerry’s turn came up first, I had to skip his go. I can only imagine the awkward conversation in the back of that armoured cab. I later learn that Menace doesn’t have a rigid turn order: you can pick between characters that haven’t acted that turn by clicking on their portrait. With hindsight, this makes the awkward moment between Gerry and Darby even more palpable. It’s as though Gerry had paid for parking and refused to budge until he got his full hour.

I send Tech and Lim ahead on foot, moving them into the trees. They can glimpse the settlement and the prisoners from their position. I’m not sure you would even call it a settlement, there’s a smattering of houses arranged in rows, a creaky windmill, and a yard surrounded by a chainlink fence where the prisoners are kept. There’s no sign of any pirates.

On their next turn, I move the Tech’s squad to the edge of the hamlet. I hold Lim back in the forest to see what happens. I’m hoping their positioning will make it easier to deter any flanking maneuvers. Gerry is finally able to kick his APC into gear and catch up with the others. His action points don’t quite take him all the way to the settlement but on his next turn, I want to pass Tech’s position, drop off Darby, and then carry on north to cover the infantry squads while they rescue the prisoners. I hope cousin Nige is watching. It’s shit like this that gets you an OBE.

I’ll look back on this moment and remember it as the last moment when everything was vaguely going to plan.

As I end Gerry’s turn, the first pirates appear in the town. Taking up cover position among the row of houses, they immediately open fire on Tech. In cover himself, the pirates’ assault rifles don’t suppress his squad. But when Tech returns fire, neither does his salvo do much to worry the pirates. I order Lim out of the forest and into a spot south of the pirates. I use all his action points relocating, but from this angle, on his next turn Lim should be able to shoot into the enemies’ fleshy flanks. Operative word being ‘Should’.

With the turn passing back to Gerry, he bombs the APC out of the forest and parks alongside the chain link fence, ready for Darby to disembark. After ending his turn, two more squads of pirates emerge from the fog of war and take up defensive positions alongside the first. Darby only has enough action points to get out the back of the vehicle before she needs to take a breather by the fence. She’ll have to wait out the rest of the turn in the open before I can send her through the fence to free the VIPs.

The pirates know a sitting duck when they see one. The first group fires on Darby, suppressing her immediately. Control passes back to Tech, but from his current spot his shots will do little. I order him further into the town to secure a better angle. Clocking his plan, the next two squads fire on Tech instead of Darby, this time suppressing him. I drive Gerry north to get him into position to flank the pirates on the next turn. Finally, control passes to Lim and his clear shot down the street where all the pirates have taken cover. A chance for the junior assault leader to make his mark. His squad fires and… it does nothing. The enemy is at the extreme end of their weapons’ range, so the Lim’s shots are about as effective as trying to throw a ping pong ball across the Channel. I just know cousin Nige’s is going to be telling everyone about this at the family Christmas.

It’s at this point I finally realise that I can choose which unit takes their turn first. The thing that stings is this important detail might actually make it into Menace’s otherwise useless tutorial. Darby is the most exposed so I make to move her into the paddock with the VIPs. Except, it turns out infantry can’t move through a chainlink fence. I don’t know why I assumed they could. But then am I the idiot for assuming heavily-armed space marines might take pliers with them on mission? From the pirates’ perspective, they saw a 20-tonne APC drive right up to the thin wall of the prison. Stop. Dump a squad of wounded troops into the firing line. Then speed away leaving them to be shot at. I order Darby behind some low cover, an effort that uses up all her action points.

I can kiss that OBE goodbye.

Likely drawn by the sound of pirate gunfire (and their cruel, mocking laughter), another group of bandits appears out of the fog of war to the East. They take up position in a tile of trees at Lim’s unprotected flank and begin firing. I had designs of turning Lim into a shock trooper, racing into battle to suppress and overwhelm the enemy. Look at him now, as he hides behind windmills and a pile of scrap. I imagine he’s whimpering.

As if things couldn’t get worse, on the hills behind me to the west, looking over where Darby’s just taken cover, another squad appears. I now have pirates on three sides of my infantry, all of whom are caught in the town with little cover. So much for moving quickly before the pirates can organise their defense.

Thank goodness Gerry’s still mobile. I complete his move to the north of the town where he now has clear sightlines down the street where the bulk of the pirates forces have taken up positions. I aim for the middle squad and open up with the APC’s machine gun, turning them into a chunky red mist.

Whether it was the sight of their comrades cut to shribbons or they’re still doubled over from laughing at the site of Darby’s dropoff, the pirates on either side are left suppressed and wavering. When they take their turns their shots all land wide of the mark. At least, Tech and Lim have gathered enough of their wits to finish off the bastards. There are still pirates massing to the west and on the hill to the east, but there’s no longer a threat in the town centre.

On Darby’s turn I move the wounded sniper out of the firing line of the pirates behind her. I sorely hope she is able to recover for the next mission. When wounded, squads in Menace are pretty useless. Not only are the reduced action points a killer, but even if Darby ever positions herself somewhere she can stay long enough to fire, her accuracy’s taken a real beating.

Eliminating the pirates in the centre of town proves to be the tipping point in the battle. With Tech and Lim no longer under constant fire, their suppression counters expire and they can take out the pirates that were approaching from the east. Meanwhile, Gerry speeds up the hill to cause some mischief. Rather than use up his precious ammo, the APC simply runs over the troops instead.

With all three fronts cleared, I move Gerry and Lim over to the next town while Tech and Darby free the VIPs. I expect to meet some resistance but it appears I’ve killed every pirate on the map. That wasn’t one of the side objectives, mind, just a side effect of getting caught up in a firefight and not being able to disentangle myself.

As the last VIP makes it to safety and the mission comes to an end, I can’t help but think I’ve still not cracked how to play Menace well. I meant to move fast and remain mobile but I became bogged down. I was at least able to use my APC more effectively, but my infantry still aren’t making the mark they should. The key has to be suppression. Despite having three units in town, they struggled to defeat the much weaker pirate forces because they spent the entire time unable to shoot straight.

At least cousin Nige is safe and as a reward, he’s let me take all the bullet-riddled body armour from the dead pirates. One of them even had a rusty old LMG, so Tech can finally embrace his inner Rambo.

With only one mission left in Operation The Pirates Of Menzance, will I finally be able to play Menace well or will my hapless bumbling lead me to a well-deserved squad wipe?