Touhou Project is Schrödinger’s shoot-em-up series: simultaneously a decades-running, 20-game strong (not counting spinoffs) multimedia juggernaut spawning one of the most active fan communities of the post-Trekkie age, and also some weeb curiosity that no-one I’ve ever spoken to has ever heard of. Either way, it’s been around for yonks, and has just seen the launch of its first official remake, of foundational 2002 entry Touhou Koumakyou: The Embodiment of Scarlet Devil.

Touhou Koumakyou: New Classic is a collaborative effort between original solo dev ZUN, who’s provided a remastered soundtrack, and developers behind several of the higher-profile Touhou fangames (more on this later). It once again casts you as either a shrine maiden or a kleptomaniac witch as you seek to beat up a troublesome vampire, who’s been blocking out the sun like a photosensitive Mr. Burns.

I haven’t tried the New Classic version yet but besides a new stage and some updated (if still endearingly goofy) character artwork, it looks like Touhou business as usual. Meaning, successive levels of screen-filling, sometimes oddly beautiful 2D bullet hell battles, backed by catchy keys ‘n’ trumpet tunes. It’s the first time a version of Embodiment has made it to Steam, mind, and includes a full English translation – neither of those qualities being a given for the wider series, especially not the earlier 2000s games.

Perhaps by design, then, it looks like a potentially fitting entry point for those in the second camp of my tortured cat-in-a-box gag. It is an interesting franchise, in any case: boss characters are usually inspired by creatures and characters across Asian and Western folklore, ranging from Embodiment’s vampires to Shinto deities and the cast of The Tale of the Bamboo Cutter, so it’s easy to pick up some cultural knowledge as you get exploded by their orb salvos. While earlier games told simple stop-the-baddie stories, more recent entries have also been allegory-dripping polemics on fossil fuel reliance, cryptocurrency, and artificial intelligence.

Touhou’s defining characteristic, though, is an unusual openness to letting itself be mined for fanworks – even those of a commercial variety – provided they adhere to a short list of guidelines. Incidentally, some Touhou Koumakyou: New Classic developers previously worked on my personal favourite of these unofficial works, pacey Metroidvania Touhou: Luna Nights. That’s probably a good one to try, actually, if you end up finding the schmup remake’s bullet barrages a bit much.